Choose Your Absurdity Level
From "mildly confused" to "completely unhinged" - pick your poison
The Curious Tourist
For those who just want to peek behind the curtain
- ✅ 3 digital relics/month
- ✅ Basic absurd descriptions
- ✅ Access to low-res videos
- ❌ Sound effects
The Bold Collector
For the brave souls ready to dive deep
- ✅ 10 digital relics/month
- ✅ Premium absurd descriptions
- ✅ HD videos of store owner
- ✅ Bonus sound effects
The Demented Curator
For those who've lost their minds completely
- ✅ Unlimited digital relics
- ✅ Ultra-absurd descriptions
- ✅ 4K videos + blooper reels
- ✅ Full sound library access
The Supreme Overlord
For the ultimate connoisseur of chaos
- ✅ Everything in previous tiers
- ✅ Custom relic creation
- ✅ Personal video messages
- ✅ Secret Discord access
- ✅ Monthly mystery box
All plans include lifetime access to the Hall of Fame and a commemorative digital certificate of questionable authenticity.
Featured Relics of Questionable Provenance
Hand-crafted digital artifacts that definitely maybe exist in this dimension
Quantum Can Opener
Opens cans that don't exist yet. Creates paradoxical pasta every third Tuesday. May or may not have been used by Schrödinger's cat.
*Stock exists in alternate timeline
Eternal Tea Bag
Infuses any liquid with the essence of Tuesday. Never stops steeping. Comes with complimentary existential crisis.
Only 23 exist across all dimensions
Candle of Regret
Burns backwards through time, lighting up past mistakes. Wax reforms into better decisions. Warning: May cause spontaneous crying.
Side effects include introspection
*All relics come with a complimentary existential warranty
The Sacred Ritual
Follow these ancient steps to unlock your digital destiny
The Summoning
Whisper your credit card details to the void while spinning counterclockwise. The ancient algorithms will judge your worthiness.
The Awakening
Your inbox will receive mystical artifacts. Download them while chanting "I accept the absurdity" three times backwards.
The Transcendence
Experience your digital relics while questioning reality. Share your confusion with others. Repeat monthly for maximum absurdity.
Pro Tips for Maximum Absurdity
*No actual rituals required. Just click and enjoy the madness.
Reviews
Mystic Margaret
Supreme Overlord
"The Quantum Can Opener opened my third eye AND my beans! 11/10 would transcend reality again."
Professor Chaos
Demented Curator
"The Eternal Tea Bag turned my coffee into time! Now my mornings last 47 hours. Worth every paradox."
Captain Confusion
Bold Collector
"The Candle of Regret made me realize I should've bought more candles! The irony burns brighter than wax!"
Time Traveler Tim
Curious Tourist
"Bought the Quantum Can Opener yesterday and it opened my beans from last week! Time is meaningless here!"
Ethel the Unstable
Supreme Overlord
"The sound effects made my cat speak fluent Latin! Now she only communicates in ancient proverbs!"
Baron von Absurd
Demented Curator
"My monthly mystery box contained a smaller mystery box! Inception achieved! My brain hurts wonderfully!"
Contact the Oracle
Reach out to the ancient wisdom of our customer support
